


Inside the Walls

by UnicornForceWinds



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Alternate Universe - Dystopia, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Post-Apocalypse, Alternate Universe - Science Fiction, Angst, F/M, Loss, Slow Build
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-03
Updated: 2017-01-07
Packaged: 2018-06-06 03:43:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 12,991
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6736714
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UnicornForceWinds/pseuds/UnicornForceWinds
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Dalish clans live together in a vault after global war. Life is simple, but peaceful, for those who do not dissent. However, anyone who causes problems, or asks too many questions, disappears without a trace.</p><p>Lan is a gifted but naive mechanical engineer. She's happy enough to just stay buried in her work, that is until life interferes. </p><p>When everything you know and believe turns out to be a lie, who can you trust? Certainly not a handsome stranger who knows far too much and is obviously hiding something.</p><p>Dystopian, post-apocalyptic-ish, setting.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Walls protect. Walls are safe. Without walls, there’s nothing to shelter you from the inhospitable wastes that lay beyond. This is the story I have been told for my entire life. This is the lie that prevented me from asking questions. I never thought I would strap myself into an exosuit and leave the safety of the walls, but now that I have, I know that nothing will ever be the same again.

 

 

 

0800 hours. The morning alarm sounds throughout Zone 3’s Residential Module, letting all who slumber know that it’s time to wake. For twenty eight years I have heard the alarm – every single day of my life, and yet it always seems to come earlier than I want it to. My friend Rista has an uncanny sense about time, what she calls an internal clock, but despite my efforts, I think it will always elude me. I can’t seem to keep track of the minutes passing into hours and I get caught up, far more often than I’d like to admit. It’s unbecoming and irresponsible – there is always something to be done and time spent idly is time spent poorly. I know, I know, and yet… I can’t seem to help myself. Unsurprisingly, I usually end up just barely on time for first meal.

0830 hours. The mess hall is about the size you would expect for serving the dietary needs of 200. Seating is assigned so that confusion and dallying are kept to a minimum. Every citizen is allotted 5 credits for morning meal, to spend as they choose in the food line. A smarter and more responsible person would choose something packed with carbohydrates and vitamins – an excellent start for the day. I select cake, a fruit plate, and juice. Mostly I want the cake, but I’m not completely without sense and my body deserves better. That doesn’t stop the line tender from looking at me like I’m a criminal. It’s almost enough to swap it for hot cereal, but not quite. I wink at her as I walk past and toward my table; she acts like she hates it, but if that was the case our little interaction wouldn’t have developed into a routine. You couldn’t call us friends by any stretch, but we have our own special sort of rapport.

I’m not social, despite my father, and my eating habits often lead others to looking on me with disdain. That means that my table fellows and I are not too keen to keep each other conversation while we eat. Honestly though, it doesn’t bother me at all. The seating arrangement has left me with whom I can only assume must be some of the least interesting people within all the Walls.

0900 hours. After eating, everyone heads to their respective work station for four hours. I work on bots and exosuits – both schematics and repair. It’s pretty amazing, honestly. Despite my… ‘quirky’ personality, my mechanical aptitude has afforded me a moderately advanced position. My proclivity for day dreaming does occasionally get in the way, however, and my supervisor is always eager to remind me to focus on my work. Leave the imagination to your leisure time, he says. I’ve tried to explain that my imagination plays a pivotal role, but he remains unconvinced. If I applied myself, I’m sure I could have a higher position, but I like where I am – getting my hands dirty – I don’t think supervisory work would suit me.

1300 hours. When the midday meal alarm sounds, everyone makes their way back to the mess. 7 credits for lunch – I select a fruit plate, juice, a rice bowl, and cake. If you’re thinking there’s a pattern to this, you’re right. I’m unashamed of my choices, criticism be damned. Besides, it’s only the morning line tender that offers me a harsh gaze – the others are disinterested at best. It’s kind of disappointing in a way, because I do lack for personal interactions, but it’s a ridiculous thing to dwell on. There is the usual minimal conversation that is painfully strained; so it’s better to just eat in silence.

1330 hours. Four more hours of generally uneventful but enjoyable work interspersed with occasional criticism from my supervisor. I am arguably the best tech we have, but I’m weird, so everyone else is predisposed to ignoring me. That’s alright, I’m more interested in machines than in people anyway.

1730 hours. One hour break between work end and final meal allows people to shower and get changed into leisure clothes. There’s something extremely therapeutic about water beating down on your skin - even if showers are only last for a timed 30 minutes, it’s definitely the best part of my day. Sometimes it almost feels like it lasts forever, and sometimes like it’s no time at all, it’s also where I get my best ideas. I know scientifically that streams of water crashing into my scalp are not actually making contact with my brain, but it feels like they are. I have no explanation for it that’s logical, so I prefer the fantastic instead. _Sigh_. I will never make my father proud… Ugh, that’s a terrible train of thought… back to bots! Focus. On. The. Bots. _Much_ better.

1830 hours.  At evening meal I spend my 7 credits on rice, vegetable stew, cake, and juice. I drink water and tea throughout the day, as these items cost zero credits. I drink juice at meals because part of me feels like it counteracts all the sugar. I know very well that nutrition doesn’t work that way, but it’s a justification that I happily rely on. Besides, the only way any person with an ounce of sanity or intelligence could get through a meal with the dullards at my table is to indulge in a little decadence. I’m sure even they have some kind of vices… but I _really_ don’t want to imagine the kinds of things they might be interested in. That’s a train of thought to journey through only in a state of extreme desperation, and I can’t really see myself ever going there.

1915 hours. Leisure time officially begins, or it’s supposed to at least. Yeah, I take my work home with me sometimes, but so what? There’s not much else worth doing honestly, and I’m _so_ close to figuring out the problem with the capacitor in this battery pack. The potential is incredible, and could allow the scouts to stay out almost twice as long, but no one besides me really believes it’ll ever be finished.

That was the plan for tonight, keep crunching the numbers and going over the plans, but all that was shot to hell with a knock on my door.

“Creators,” I sigh, knowing that I’d probably be getting no work done now.

“No arguments,” Lyna instructs, pushing her way through the barely opened door, “you’re not holing up in here again!”

“I am _holing up,_ I am just doing work; _important_ work.”

“So important than only you care about it?”

I cross my arms over my chest at the roll of her eyes, not feeling quite as defensive as I know I look.

“They’ll care when I’m finished, and even if they don’t, _I_ care. That’s all that matters.”

“You’re right Lana, but not tonight, come on, Rista’s waiting for us.”

“Fine, but I’m not drinking, not after last time.”

Whatever, come on,” she orders dismissively, all but dragging me into the hall with scarcely enough time to turn the lights off.

The walk isn’t far, since Rista lives in Zone 2, with the rest of Ralaferin. Lyna, a Sabrae, lives in Zone 4, which puts me somewhere in between the two. Honestly, without them, I don’t think I’d ever do anything but work, and I like to protest, but I do appreciate it. When we get to Rista’s door, she ushers us in immediately and shushes us.

“What’s going on, Riss?” I know that something is off from the look on her face.

“I found something in the archives, that I don’t think I was supposed to see,” she informs us, her voice a whisper.

“Not sure if I want to see this,” Lyna jokes.

“Just be quiet, and come here.”

She pulls a strange looking book from underneath her bed, heavy and bound in a strange material. It looks archaic, nothing like it having been produce in generations, if I had to guess. This can’t be good, whatever it is.

“Riss, I don’t want to get in trouble again, not after last time.”

“Relax, Lana, you worry too much!” Lyna chastises, poking me in the ribs.

“Just look, okay.”

She sets it gently on top of the blanket, carefully pulling open the cover, and revealing a strange illustration.

“What _is_ that?” The words tumble directly from my head and out of my mouth.

“It’s called a _draygun_ ,” she tells us, voice full of wonder.

“A dray-gun,” Lyna repeats, “well what is it?”

“I don’t know, but look, look, there’s an elf who can turn into one! I think she’s supposed to be one of the Creators!”

Her voice is thick with excitement, making it hard for her to control its volume. She looks around quickly, as though someone else has heard.

“The Creators?” To say I’m incredulous would be an understatement. “You think the people who built the walls could turn into bizarre looking things with pointy feet and horns and wings?”

“No, I don’t know!” She huffs, and I feel guilty that she seems deflated. “But this was buried in the archive, and it means _something_!”

“It’s amazing, Riss,” Lyna tells her, “Lan’s just afraid of getting in trouble even though her father’s a Keeper.”

Really? She’s bringing up my father again? As though his being Keeper meant that I got some kind of special treatment. I barely survived the disappointment of not being a First, the last thing I need in my life is additional paternal guilt.

“Lyna, you know that’s not fair.” Thanks, Riss.

“I know,” Lyna sighed, turning to her, “I’m sorry, alright? Let’s just back to the dray-goon thing.”

“Dray- _gun_ , Lyn,” Riss teased.

“Whatever, just go on.”

When she went back to the book, Lyna gave me a small smile, her way of apologizing for being an ass. It’s a sore spot for me, and she’s knows it, but taking things too far is a bad habit she has. None of us are perfect, though, and she really does mean well.

“So, the language is a little hard to understand, there’s these words – here, like this one, _lethallin_. And over here, _harellan_. Mostly, it’s all readable, but whenever this was written, we didn’t speak the way we do now. It talks about a history that has either been forgotten or was intentionally hidden.”

“Oh no, Riss,” Lyna teased, “not another conspiracy, please.”

“What else am I supposed to think, Lyna?”

“I don’t know, maybe it’s just a story?” I suggest, hopefully.

I don’t want to make her feel bad because she’s so excited, but come _on,_ one of the Creators turned into some weird creature, spoke in a strange language, and on top of it, this bizarre information was just buried away in the archive because no one wanted us to know? I want to be supportive of her, but it just seems extremely far-fetched.

“No,” she insisted, shaking her head, “it isn’t. I just, I feel it, okay? Something’s going on here, and I’m gonna find out what.”

I close my eyes and sigh. That doesn’t sound like anything good, and I _really_ don’t want anything to happen to her.

“Don’t be stupid, Riss,” Lyna offers, ever so helpfully. “This isn’t some kind of joke. You go digging your nose where you shouldn’t, and you can get in real trouble.”

“Lyna has a point,” I admit, to the surprise of all of us, “and you know if we agree on something, then it’s serious.”

“Yeah,” she admits, laughing, “it is scary to see you two agree. I can’t just drop this though, but I promise that I’ll be careful.”

I hope rather than believe it, but the sinking feeling in my stomach doesn’t want to go away. Oh Riss, please, don’t do anything stupid.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things are starting to unravel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little bit of an angst warning with this one. It's probably not too extreme, but writing it did make me cry.

One thing I can count on is routine. My schedule varies very little, but I find it suits me quite well. From infancy, I was taught that without order, there would be chaos, and even if others sometimes complain, I wouldn’t have it any other way. With the relaxed surety of repetition, I make my way back to work from midday meal, abruptly startled from my calm by a sudden shove. Instantly my face turns to the transgressor, shocked to see the Mithra, who holds a ranking position in the security office.

“Where you headed, Ellana?”

“Work. Same as every day.”

“And you wouldn’t happen to be in possession of any contraband, right?”

“Is this some kind of joke?” Is she serious?

“Such an infraction is no laughing matter. You’d think a Keeper’s daughter would know that.”

I can’t help the sigh as my body tenses, becoming increasingly irritated. What the hell is going on, and why does everyone _always_ have to mention my father?!

“I have no idea what you’re talking about, I really don’t, and if you don’t mind, I would prefer to not be late for work. The last thing I need now is my supervisor breathing down my neck about a lapse in punctuality.”

“Watch yourself Ellana, cause I’ll definitely be watching you.”

“Right, well, I’m going to just go then. Bots don’t repair themselves.”

I feel her eyes on my back, and sure enough, when I turn around, she’s still looking at me. What in the _hell_ is going on? I rub my shoulder to soothe the ache from where she jammed her body into mine, which still hurts. Getting accosted by security is certainly an unwelcome addition to my normally uneventful day. I push the doors to engineering open with a sharp exhale, knowing well what waits for me once I get inside.

“Get lost on your way from the mess, Ellana? You know I have to write you up.”

“I’m less than five minutes late, Tamlen, and I was talking to security in the hall.”

“Security, what about?” The eager interest in his tone was really putting me off.

“It’s nothing serious, just caused me to be delayed. Now, can I get started?”

“Fine, just hurry up.”

Right now, work is exactly what I need, but his glib superiority makes it so hard not to punch him sometimes. Not only am I smarter than he is, but I’m _really_ good at my job, and I catch so much flak for bullshit reasons. Today started off completely fine, but now all I want is to get home and work on that battery pack.

 

\-----

 

“Lana, what’s this about security?”

Not used to being interrupted by a voice other than Tamlen’s, I nearly drop my wrench inside the chassis I’m working on.

“Oh, Cillian, I didn’t see you there. It’s nothing, really, Mithra was just asking me some weird questions. Honestly, I have no idea why she suddenly wants to give me a hard time.”

“Are you all right? You can come to me if you have any problems.”

“Thanks, Cill, but yeah, I’m fine. Not the best time I’ve ever had, but I’m sure it’ll sort itself out.”

“Be careful, Lan. What you’re doing may seem worth it, but act with caution.”

“With the chassis? I mean I almost dropped my wrench, but even if I did, I could just fish it out.”

“I’ve got to get back to work, remember what I said. Watch your back.”

What is with people saying that to me today? First off, you can’t actually watch your own back, and secondly, am I suddenly doing something I shouldn’t be? Literally nothing has changed in the past _really_ long time, and now people are acting like I’m doing… I don’t even know what! None of it makes any sense, whatsoever, and I’m completely ready for the day to be over. Two more hours till my shift ends, and I feel like I might just shower and go right to bed, because I am so done with today.

Burying myself in the chassis, I manage to get it almost fully assembled by the time the bell rings, for once not caring about leaving a job unfinished. With immense relief, I begin the walk back to my quarters, so glad to finally be finished. It isn’t even surprising then, just disappointing, when I open the door and find my father waiting for me.

“Papae, what –“

“I’ve heard some troubling reports, Ellana.”

This is not what I need right now. It’s never what I need, but if he thinks he’s going to layer on the guilt right now, I’m beyond not in the mood.

“Listen, Papae, I am not trying to be disrespectful, but I’ve had a crappy day. People are telling me to watch my back and I’m being accused of ridiculous things, and I really just want to shower and go to bed. I’m tired. I’m too tired for you to try to make me feel bad because I couldn’t follow in your footsteps and I can’t deal with being reminded again of what a disappointment I am. I get it, _okay_?

“Ellana, I… are you alright?”

“I’m fine, or at least I will be.”

I’m not entirely sure which one of us I’m reassuring.

“You can come to me, if you need anything. I hope you know that.”

“Thanks Pa, but all I really want is just to shower and sleep off today.”

I can feel that my smile is half-hearted, but right now I just don’t have the energy for anything more.

“I understand. Goodnight.”

“Night.”

Usually, I find myself starving and eager to devour evening meal, but going to bed without it seems pretty appealing. Still, if I don’t eat, I’ll feel like hell when I wake up; so I drag my sorry ass to the mess. The tender reminds me that I’ve only spent two credits, but I’m not in the mood to discuss it. All I want is my bed. It’s been a long day, and everything just feels wrong.

 

\-----

 

When nothing happens for the next few days, I figure things are returning to normal. Of course, I’m wrong. Still, when I run into Lyna in the hallway and she tells me to go to her room at leisure time, I don’t think much of it. We haven’t really seen in each other in what, a week? Maybe even longer. With everything going on, it’s even harder to remember. I hate stress.

“Are you okay?” She asks when we’ve finally gotten settled.

“Yeah. Things have been a little weird, but I’m fine.”

“Creators!” she whisper shouts, hand splaying across her face and then dragging downwards. “You don’t know, do you?”

“Know what?” My voice is a little sharp, but I’ve really had enough of being out of the loop. “Everyone keeps asking if I’m all right and telling me to watch my back, or to come to them, and I have no idea what’s going on!”

“Riss is _gone_ , Lan. Disappeared.”

“What?” My mouth drops open, head shifting from side to side. It just doesn’t make any sense. She can’t be. It _doesn’t_ make sense. There’s so much I want to say, but all that comes out is confused stutter of false-starts.

“She’s gone and no one is saying anything.”

“How long? How did I not know? Oh gods.”

“It’s not your fault, Lan, okay?”

“But, I… she… just… h-how?”

“Two days after we hung out in her room. That was the last time anyone saw her. And I’ve talked to security, but no one seems to really even be fucking looking!”

“Mithra, she… shoved me in the hall… it was right about that time. Said she’d be watching me and accused me of something about contraband... You don’t think…?”

She stands up, beginning to pace, interlocked fingers shifting nervously. I say nothing, giving her a chance to sort through her thoughts while I try to swallow the news I’ve been given. Riss, my best friend, has vanished, and I’ve been worried about my stupid self and some insignificant issues I’ve been having! I could’ve, should’ve been there; done something. I don’t know what, but just… anything. She has always been there for me, and now she’s gone and I didn’t help her.

“I don’t know what’s going on, but something is. This isn’t right, and it doesn’t make any sense!”

She stops pacing, linking her hands behind her head. Her eyes are closed and I’m worried that she’s going to cry. If she does, I’ll cry too, and I don’t think I’ll be able to stop. How the hell did I get here?

“What are you thinking, Lyn?”

“I don’t know, but nothing good. It’s gonna take me a while to figure this out.”

“Yeah.”

My voice is resigned, and trembles a little. I sniffle, willing the floodgates not to open.

“Hey,” Lyna says, a withered smile punctuating her heartbroken face.

“Yeah?”

“This isn’t your fault.”

“I know.”

“Lan,” her voice is more forceful this time, “Riss wouldn’t want you to blame yourself, so don’t.”

“I’m _not_.”

Why does everyone think they know me so well?! Am I not capable of understanding my feelings on my own? I’m frankly getting a little sick of it, but now is hardly the time to bring it up. The last thing I want to do right now is fight. Lyna and I have been friends a long time, but Rista is… was? My breath catches in my throat and my chest feels like my ribs are too small. Rista kept us together. She kept _me_ together. How could she be gone? Something, there has to be something I could’ve done…

“Just, if you start to, don’t. She’d want me to look out for you,”

“Don’t talk like she’s…”

“But she is, you know that, don’t you?”

“Yes, I know that! Of course I know that. People that disappear don’t come back.”

My eyes are wet, but my cheeks are still dry so far. I’m not going to be able to hold it together much longer.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t treat you like a child.”

“No, you’re right. I’m an idiot sometimes.”

“Yeah,” she laughs mirthlessly, “sometimes you really are.”

We’re both sniffing, fighting back the tears, but she can still give me a hard time. In a painful way, it almost makes me hopeful. If I didn’t have her to help me get through this, I don’t think I could.

“You wait until I finish that battery pack, then I’ll be the one laughing at you.”

The pitiful excuse for a smile drops from my face the moment I finish making the joke, unable to hold onto the humor. I want to laugh with her, to be strong and brave and act like a proper adult, but I just want to cry and there is no Riss to comfort me.  I don’t want to think about it, but I know that my life will be irrevocably changed without her. Both of our lives will be. She was so much to both of us, and more than anything, she was family.

 

\-----

 

Finally stepping into my room makes the emotion surge through me, overwhelming; dropping me to the floor. I curl up, hugging my knees to my chest, choking on the sobs. Tears are streaming into my ear canal, and it itches, but I don’t care. Everything feels so far away right now, and nothing seems real.

The tears have stopped, but I’m just lying here, on the floor. Getting up isn’t something I think I’ll ever want to do, even though I know I have to eventually. There’s no time for me to process my emotions when I have to be up and ready to go at 0800. There’s no space for me to grieve my loss when I’m finishing up the chassis at work tomorrow. There’s no room for me to break down in my precisely regimented schedule that suddenly seems like the worst idea anyone ever came up with. Damn the Creators for the stupid walls that protect us from the stupid destroyed world! How safe are they when Riss can just _disappear?!_ What good are they when they can’t save my _friend_?

I need to sleep; sleeping will make everything better. I try to focus on the familiar sounds around me, but everything familiar just makes me so angry at the world. We grew up in this place together, so of course there’s nothing that doesn’t remind me of her. But, there’s one sound that isn’t familiar – something I don’t recognize. What is _that_? I sigh, because it’s just the vent. Something’s blocking the air flow, but I don’t care. I’ll fix it tomorrow. At least it’s a problem I can solve.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Phew, and things are finally starting to begin.
> 
> You can also find me on my [tumblr](http://missvanfossen.tumblr.com/).


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and we're still riding that angst train!

One of my eyes slits open and immediately closes again. I try to uncurl my body, but it protests angrily, limbs stiff and sore from the position and the venue. I’m extremely uncomfortable, but I still, really, do not want to get up. My brain’s in that in-between awake and asleep state, and if I can just keep it there, everything doesn’t have to be so bad.

By the time the alarm for 0800 goes off, I’ve shifted onto my back, focusing on the bite of the too cold floor against my bare arms. I need to get up, because to not do so is simply impossible, but at the same time… I can’t. There is so much I should be doing and feeling, but I am hollow; empty. Everything that should be there is gone and I am overwhelmed by numbness.

Hours pass before someone knocks at my door, but I’m unable to respond to them, and they leave. I hear an alarm absently, and the briefest awareness that it must be midday whispers through my mind. Yes, I should care, I’m cognizant of that, and yet, I do not. All the things that usually feel so important now seem so far away.

I hear another knock, but I’m not here. I can’t respond. Some part of my brain registers the door opening, and the sound of footsteps, so I try to turn my head to look, but it’s not working. My eyes can see someone’s feet, but my vision is blurry; unfocused. This isn’t real. I don’t want anything to be real, but suddenly it is, and I’m awake.

“Ellana.”

My mother’s voice. It wavers a little. Is it a declaration or a question? All at once I let out a choking sob, wrapping my arms around her legs. She bends down and pats my shoulder tentatively. A stabbing pain shoots through my chest and I retract myself, letting go of her and rolling over.

“Ellana, this behavior is unacceptable.”

Of course it is.

“If you want to wallow in self-pity, then do it when you’re not on the clock.”

The clock, of course. That’s what’s important, isn’t it? Maintain the schedule or everything will fall into chaos, but it fell into chaos anyway!

“Get out.” I bark at her, self-recrimination creeping over me.

“Do you realize how this behavior reflects on your father? Do you know how hard he works?”

I’m not hollow anymore. No, the emptiness is being replaced by anger and I can feel it coiling inside me, spreading itself into every pore.

“What does it look like when the Keeper’s daughter behaves this way?”

Suddenly, I’m sitting up; my body is moving without my instruction. I tell it not to, but it doesn’t respond, and then I’m on my feet. Mamae’s face is startled, she’s never seen me behave like this before, because I haven’t. It’s not me, I’m not in control. It’s my hands shoving her into the hall and slamming the door shut, but they’re acting independently. I’m shaking and I can feel the tears welling up in my eyes, falling in hot streams down my skin. I feel so angry that I can’t stand it. I’ve never felt like this before.

I slide my hand across the table and knock everything off. I rip the pillow and blanket off the bed and throw them. The sound of the blocked duct makes me want to scream, so I bend down and tear the cover off, flinging it behind me.

“What is it _now?!”_ I demand.

Reaching my arm into the vent, I feel something odd. A rectangular shape, something wrapped in a piece of cloth. I pull it out and rip off the cover. A book. _The_ book. I’m hugging my knees again and the anger isn’t so heavy anymore. Now, all I feel is pain. I’m starting to think I should’ve held on to the anger for longer, because it hurts so much that I can’t breathe. I think it might swallow me whole.

 

\-----

 

0800 hours. The morning alarm sounds in Zone 3’s Residential Quarters. I am already awake. By rote, I pull off the blankets and trade my nightclothes for my work uniform.

0830 hours. I’m early and the workers are still readying the mess. There are a few others already here, and we form a line while waiting for them to finish. I pick up hot cereal, fruit, and juice from the trays and the tender looks at me with an expression I can’t face. I hate the pity in her eyes.

0900 hours. I’m already elbow deep in a bot chassis when the others set up for work. No one says anything to me and I breathe a sigh of relief. The last time Tamlen got smart with me, I threw a wrench at his head. He’s intentionally avoiding me now. They all are.

1300 hours. I set the contents of my tray on the table – a rice bowl, a fruit plate, a bowl of stew, and a cup of juice. The conversation is sparser than it used to be, and I’m glad.

1330 hours. One of the exosuits is malfunctioning and might end up decommissioned. I’ll probably be working on getting it fixed for the next few days, though no one expects me to be successful. I’m starting to wonder how I remained complacent for so long, being routinely patronized by people whose own skill is less than mine.

1730 hours. The water beating down on me is washing away the anger that’s been building since I got up this morning, but no amount of scrubbing can make it go away.

1830 hours. The line tender says nothing when I fail to spend all my credits. I sit down and eat my rice and stew in silence. I can tell I’m making the others uncomfortable, but I don’t care. They avoid looking at me and I’m glad, because I don’t want to see their stupid faces anyway.

1915 hours. I’m lying in bed, caught between being angry and empty. I feel like I’ve been betrayed, and I have no idea where to cast blame except for inwards. With… with what happened, I’ve been actually looking at my life for the first time, and the picture isn’t as pretty to look at as I thought. For how many years have I been disrespected and undervalued and felt like things were just fine?

Riss is… gone. She’s _never_ coming back, and I finally realize how naïve I’ve been. I believed that if I just worked hard and followed the rules, that everything would be fine. The consequences of stepping out of line, just once, still affect me to this day. Even so, I used to think I could live with them. Now I know that I can’t.

There’s a knock on my door, but I don’t feel like answering it.

“Go away,” I call.

The knocking gets louder.

“Lan!” It sounds like Lyna.

I sigh, trying to steady my nerves, and heave myself off the bed. Just like her, when the door opens a crack, she pushes it the rest of the way and barges in. I already moved out of the way, so it doesn’t matter.

“I need to talk to you, Ellana. You can’t just shut me out!”

“I’m sorry, Lyn, I am, I just feel… I can’t, okay?”

“Yeah, I get it, I do, but I _need_ you, Lan.”

“I wish I could help you, but the truth is that I don’t even know _me_ anymore.”

“Don’t say that.”

She reaches out tentatively, placing a firm hand on my shoulder. I don’t want her comfort.

“But it’s true,” I tell her, pulling away to sit on the bed. “It’s all fucked.”

My head drops into my hands and my feet feel like they’re glued to the floor. I feel the mattress shift as she sits beside me, crossing her legs.

“So what are you going to do about it?”

I lift my head to look at her, ready to snap at her, but the way she’s looking at me… I can’t.

“Nothing. I’m going to do nothing because there’s nothing I can do.”

“Really,” she scoffs, “nothing? Just like that? Treat everyone like shit and wallow in your misery and don’t do a gods-damned thing?”

“And what am I supposed to do exactly? What power do I have? I can’t bring her back. I can’t change things. I can’t do anything!”

“Bull _shit_. That’s a copout and you know it. You’re smart, Lan, smarter than me, and you can _use_ that.”

“Use it how? All I know how to do is fix bots and exosuits. What the _hell_ good is that?”

“Creators! Use your head! There’s not a thing in this place you couldn’t take apart and put back together.  Security doors, power grids, everything. Do you have any idea what you could do with that?”

“Besides get _myself_ disappeared?” I choke on the word, Riss’ face flashing in my head.

“There’s people, Lan, people like us, trying to change things. You could become one of them.”

“You’re not talking about the resistance? You can’t think they’re real.”

“They are. They have to be. This can’t be all there is. I’m going to try to find them, and I want you to join me.”

“You’re mental, Lyn, and you’re going to get yourself killed! Is that what you want?”

“Better to die for something than to live for nothing, like you.”

"How can you even say that, after Riss?”

“I can say it _because_ of her. What do you think _she’d_ want, Lana? I for one think she’d want us to fight.”

“That’s great, but I’m pretty sure what she’d want is to be _a-live_. She’s dead, and now she can’t want anything, but she _definitely_ wouldn’t want for you to join her.”

“So that’s it, you’re just going to give up and keep doing what you’re told forever?”

“It doesn’t matter anyway. Not what I do, and not what you do.”

“Wow. I guess I was wrong about you, after all. You really _would’ve_ made a good First.”

The words feel like a slap in the face, and sting twice as badly. I want to say something, but I can’t. There isn’t a response that would suffice, and I’m not even sure what I’m thinking. She’s right, I know she is, but I just… I’m not ready to see it, to change.

She gets up to leave and doesn’t even look at me. We’ve been through a lot, and I’ve never been the person she wanted me to be, but she’s never been disappointed in me like this. I let her down in a way that... I _know_ , in my bones, that she won’t ever forgive me. I might’ve just lost the only real family I had left.

 

\-----

 

The book is calling out to me and I can no longer ignore it. I miss Rista, and I stupidly feel like reading it will make me feel close to her again. It’s just that there’s a very real chance that it played a role in her death, and I’m terrified that even looking at it will get me killed, too. I know that I’m pathetic and a coward, and even though right now I’m kind of hating everything about my life, I still don’t want to die. She deserved a better friend than me.

Letting Riss down has become a fear worse than dying, and one I can’t shake. Sitting on the floor, I flip open the cover to the familiar image of the dray-goon. It stares up at me from the page, steely eyes full of angry judgment, and I sigh wearily. My mental state is worse than I realized, since I’m apparently now being admonished by an illustration. I shake my head, sighing again, and begin reading.

At first, it seems like a lot of gibberish. The pages are peppered with unfamiliar words and phrases, but the more I read, the more I begin to understand. It makes no sense that I should know a word I’ve never seen or heard before, but I do. It’s almost as if some part of me remembers something that I never experienced, which makes me extremely uncomfortable.

I’m a creature of logic and of order and of rules. I like knowing that when I add the same two sets of numbers, the answer will always be the same. I take comfort in the fact that the required amount of applied torque for a specific application does not change. What I want are concrete facts, that I can see and touch. Instead, I’m being forced to accept feelings and intuition.

I want to stop; to go back to safe and reliable complacency, but I have to remind myself that it never really was safe. I owe it to Riss to be better, no much how much I don’t want to. After all, even if I die, at least I’ll die for something, right? Maybe then Lyna will forgive me. I guess then it would be worth it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> poor Ellana is having a bit of a crisis, but who could blame her? but, we're getting off the angst train soon, i think! 
> 
> honestly, this didn't go remotely where/how i thought it would. at least actual stuff will happen soon haha.
> 
> you can also find me on tumblr [here](http://missvanfossen.tumblr.com/).


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had help with the technical jargon, but if it sounds terrible, I apologize XD

I open my eyes blearily at the distant sound of the alarm. My face is pressed against a crumpled page, and I feel a twinge in my neck when I turn my head. Awareness slowly comes flooding in, and I realize that I fell asleep reading. It’s the first time in weeks that I wasn’t already awake at 0800.

It hurts me to think of Riss, and to hear her laugh in my head, but the edge of the pain is a little less sharp. My focus is clearer now, and the lingering sense of purpose makes it easier to keep going. I have no idea what to do, or where I’m supposed to begin, but reading this strange book is making it easier to figure out.

The things it says, the history recorded in its pages… it all seems so bizarre and farfetched. There is information about people with different shaped ears, and some with horns. Supposedly, different races lived in the world together, often fighting and killing each other. I wonder if that somehow led to the destruction that forced the Creators to build the Walls, saving us while all others perished?

It talks about something called _magic_ , that allows a person to manipulate the world at will. It’s exciting and terrifying at the same time to imagine creating warmth with my fingertips, or powering up an exosuit without a battery pack. If what it says is true, which I’m still having trouble wrapping my brain around, the potential applications are limitless.

A part of me is glad that it doesn’t exist anymore, though. The Walls are imperfect, but everything is much safer now without _war_ and _dragons_. Still, I can see why Rista was so fascinated, and I know she’d have wanted to explore this _Fade_ the book talks about. Going to another place when you sleep, where you can explore and even interact with other people, it would really be something. These creatures, called _spirits_ , to talk to and show you ancient memories… it’s all just astonishing.

I can’t help but think of how many more amazing innovations I could come up with if my mind was active when I sleep. It reminds me that I haven’t worked on my current project in weeks, but I’ve been so distracted. I have trouble thinking about anything tangible even though a part of my mind recoils from the fantastic. It’s a little dizzying, being stuck between what’s right in front of me and the near infinite possibilities of what could be and once might have been.

And even worse is that I have absolutely made up my mind to do _something_ , but I still have no clue what. What exactly is there? What means at my disposal can I utilize to change anything, and what would I even change? Do I want to change anything? I have all this motivation and determination, and no idea what it’s for. Everything used to be so much easier, even if it was all wrong.

 

\-----

 

“You need to quit wasting valuable time working on that broken suit, Ellana.”

I close my eyes and exhale sharply through my nose before responding, little stabs of irritation making me want to snap at him.

“Listen Tamlen, I meet my quotas every day, so I don’t see how it’s a problem. The real waste would be decommissioning a fixable suit.”

“Loss of productivity _is_ a problem. Don’t expect special treatment when your numbers drop.”

Special treatment, really?! When have I _ever_ gotten special treatment?! I let out another deep exhale, feeling my jaw tighten.

“If that’s all you wanted, I need to get back to work.”

He opens his mouth and then shuts it, seeing the look I level at him. He decides that not talking is the wiser option, and I guess he _is_ capable of learning something. One of the advantages of this new assertive streak is that I think Tamlen is a little afraid of me, and the less I get criticized, the better. In general, the little jokes from the rest of the engineering staff have almost stopped completely. For some odd reason, it seems like no one likes having things chucked at their heads when they mouth off. I wish I learned to throw things a long time ago.

With renewed vigor and an edge of anger, I go back to working on the suit. In truth, I haven’t spent much time on it at all, and I’ve mostly been doing my ‘normal’ work. If I’d been putting in as many hours as Tamlen made it out like I was, the bloody thing would probably be fixed by now.  What a joke.

I remove the housing panel to access the electrical systems, and everything inside is a mess. It’s impossible to say what went wrong, but the blackened circuitry is an obvious sign of malfunction. Carefully, I disconnect the damaged wiring to access the power cell casing. After dissolving the protective sealant, I see that it’s completely burnt out. It’s one of the more difficult components to replace, but not impossible. As far as I can tell, the life support systems appear intact, but I’ll still have to test them to be sure. Once I’ve verified the integrity of the connections, I can begin replacing the broken systems. At this point, it doesn’t look especially promising, but I have hope that it’s not beyond repair.  

By 1300, I feel a mix of relief and annoyance. Lowering my head to my chest, beads of sweat drip down my face as I stretch out my shoulders and arms. My stomach is grumbling, but I need to clean myself up a little before heading to the mess. A quick scrub-down at the utility sinks will have to do, but I could use a change of coveralls.

By the time I get out of engineering, I’m probably at least five minutes late. It’s hardly a big deal though, and definitely not the first time. Mithra stops me in the hall, which is something I hoped I’d never have to deal with again. I haven’t seen her since she shoved me, and I don’t feel especially accommodating right now. The last thing I need is to be hounded when I’ve done nothing wrong. Well, I haven’t done anything wrong _yet_.

“You’re late, Ellana.”

“Yes Mithra, I know.”

“What kept you?”

“Work.”

My muscles are starting to tense, and I absently notice my fingers curling into my palms.

“Your coworkers managed to get here on time, so why does _work_ make _you_ late? Are you doing something you shouldn’t be?”

She cocks her head to the side and focuses in on me with an accusing stare. I close my eyes, exhale deeply, and my hands ball into fists, clenching tightly. My nails are digging into my palms, I need to cut them.

“I’m not doing anything differently than I ever have. I don’t know why it is that you’re suddenly so interested in me and my habitual tardiness, but ask anyone. Getting caught up in my work is something I’ve always done and I would really appreciate if you got off my back.”

No, no, no. Don’t escalate. Don’t draw attention to yourself, especially not _now_! What are you thinking? It’s not worth it, you idiot.

“It looks like someone finally found their backbone, good for you. A word of advice though? Careful how to talk to people, because it might just land you in trouble one day. I’ll let you go for now, but don’t think you’re off the hook yet.”

“Off the hook?”

 _Shit_. Shut up, Ellana.

“Oh, I think you know _exactly_ what I’m talking about. You go ahead and play the naïve little girl, but you don’t fool me for a second. You never have.”

My face contorts reflexively to an expression of utter confusion.

“Wh-what?” It’s all I can get out, shaking my head minutely, “What the _hell_ are you talking about?”

“Still playing dumb, then? Fine, you’re good at that. Just remember, this isn’t over.”

“I don’t even know what _this_ is!” I sigh, exasperated. “Can you please just leave me alone? I’ve had enough of this, of _all_ of this. Why don’t you go _disappear_ some more innocent people!”

The slap is a shock; my eyes barely see the hand flying through the air. First I hear the clapping sound as her palm makes contact with my face, and then I feel the _sting_. My own hand immediately cradles my cheek, and I feel a little dizzy. _Shit_. That woman can hit. I look at her stunned, and she walks away.

When I open the doors of the mess, everything stops. The chatter that normally fills the room turns immediately into quiet, and people try to casually avoid staring. I go down the line with a hand still on my face, picking out rice and vegetable stew. I’m not even angry, I’m just dazed. How the hell did I end up here?”

 

\-----

 

“Ellana? What are… it’s good to see you my daughter.”

He’s shocked I’m here, which isn’t surprising. He doesn’t really look all that thrilled about it, either.

“Thanks,” I bleat, wearily, slumping into one of the chairs opposite his desk.

“Is… everything alright?”

“No,” I admit, with a blank face and tiny head shake.

“What’s the matter?”

“It’s… it’s nothing,” I sigh, “I was just wondering if you could do something about Mithra.”

“Mithra? The security officer? What about her?”

“It started when Riss… _disappeared.”_ It’s still hard for me to get the words out. I doubt that it will ever get easier. “ _She’s_ accosted me twice in the halls. The first time, she shoved me. Today, she smacked me in the face.”

“What? That doesn’t make sense. Why would she do such a thing?”

“I honestly have no idea. She’s got in her head that I… you know, I don’t even know what she thinks I’m doing. Suffice to say she thinks I’m doing _something_ that I shouldn’t be and I just would like to walk to and from the mess without being harassed. I’m just trying to do my damn _job._ ”

“Of course, I understand. I will be having a few conversations and make this stop. If anything happens again, please inform me immediately.”

“Thanks Pa, I appreciate it.”

“I’m just glad you brought this to my attention. I would intervene for anyone, of course, but I want you to know that I’m here for you.”

“I know,” I assure him, the corners of my mouth lifting slightly as I nod, not really smiling.

I start to push myself up from the chair and he stops me.

“Ellana…”

“Yeah?”

“ _Are_ you involved in anything you shouldn’t be?”

My neutral expression falls. I feel like I’ve just been punched in the stomach.

“No, I’m not,” I tell him, voice a little stronger.

“Of course, I apologize. It’s just that… if you were, I hope that you would come to me.”

“Sure, Pa,” I say with no feeling.

“Good, I’m glad to hear it. Please enjoy the rest of your leisure hours.”

“Thanks.”

Walking out of his office, I feel disgusted. Have I never really looked at my father before, or did he at some point become someone that I no longer recognize? I know that I let him down most of all, but I thought he trusted me. Is there a file in some office somewhere where people talk about having me disappeared? Do I need to watch myself and make sure I’m not doing anything suspicious? It makes me _sick_. Nothing is the way I thought it was.

Mamae stops me in the hall outside my quarters, and the pit in my stomach grows claws. She is the _last_ person I want to see right now, especially after dealing with Papae.

“Do you mind if I come in?” she asks, but it’s not really a question.

I open the door and walk inside, not shutting it behind me. If she wants a better invitation, it’s not going to happen. I plop down on the mattress with my elbows against my knees, and rest my head in my hands.

“What do you want?”

“I want for you to conduct yourself in a more appropriate manner. Fighting in the hallway with security, Ellana, what do you have to say for yourself?”

“What do I have to say? Really?”

All the weariness in me that’s been building up for years is threatening to boil into anger.

“You should be ashamed of yourself. A Keeper’s daughter, acting like some sort of _hooligan_.”

A smile spreads across my lips, and before I can help myself, I start laughing. It starts off quiet, but then builds until I’m holding my stomach for support. She looks furious, and it just makes everything funnier.

“Do you think this is a joke? This is _very_ serious and you need to act accordingly! You’re not a child anymore, Ellana.”

“No, I’m not,” I agree, finally recovered, “and this is _my_ room, so you can just get out.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Took a little longer to get to this chapter than I thought it would, but it's finally done, woo!
> 
> My tumblr is [here](http://unicornforcewinds.tumblr.com/), if you want to keep up with me and my fics that way.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything is about to change.

There’s a sound at the edge of my hearing, dragging me prematurely into consciousness. It can’t be 0800 yet, can it? But… _wait_ , that’s _not_ the alarm... I mean, it’s an alarm, but it’s one I’ve never heard it before. What _is_ that? It’s loud, _ugh_ is it loud. I cover my ears to block it out, but it doesn’t help much.

I crawl out of bed and scramble to the door. It’s even louder in the hall, heads peering out of doorways and wondering, like I am, what the hell is going on. People whisper-shout to each other, worried and curious, and suddenly it stops.

“Do not be alarmed,” an authoritative voice calls.

I turn my head, security officers. At least I don’t know any of them, and that’s a small relief.

“Everything is fine, return to your rooms. Just a system fault, nothing to worry about,” a male officer is telling everyone.

I press my eyes closed, exhaling through my nose, not a shred of believe in my mind, but not feeling stupid enough to say so. Reaching for the handle of my door, heavy boots stop behind me.

“Ellana of Lavellan, come with us.”

What? Shit! _Oh no_ … my heart is thumping wildly in my chest, my eyes blinking rapidly. This can’t be about _me!_ When Riss… there was _nothing_. She vanished without even a whisper. Why would a strange alarm sound for me? It doesn’t make sense, but maybe they know… Maybe I’m about to _disappear_.

“Wha- what d-do you n-need me f-for?” I ask, stammering like the guilty person I am.

He tugs on my am, “no time for questions. You’re needed in engineering.”

I exhale, shallow breaths strangled in my throat. Engineering? But _why_?

“What’s going on?” It’s a fight trying to keep my voice even with my chest so tight.

“No time, we need to move _now_.”

Hands push me forward and I stumble, bare feet cold against the concrete floor. I’ve never been so scared of anything in my life, but this is _not_ how people are disappeared. _Keep it together, Lan, it’ll be okay_ , I tell myself, hoping that it’s true, water forming behind my eyes.

Something is obviously wrong, and it looks like I’ll find out soon, but being escorted through the zone by security, in my sleeping clothes no less, is _terrifying_. I look around, but the halls are empty. I wonder how many people are sleeping now, blissfully ignorant of the lie. If I never come back, would any of them notice? Probably not. Did they lay their heads back down and drift off peacefully, or are some of them worried and afraid?

Maybe not like I am, of course, being all but dragged from their beds, but at least suspicious about what’s happening? Everything is fine, they’d said, but that can’t be true, because why would this be happening? A fault in the system, I believe was the rushed excuse, but that doesn’t make sense.

Every single system is monitored at all times, both by people and by bots. Atmospheric pressure, oxygen levels, radiation, temperature… everything is carefully controlled, and there are backups for the backups. And if something is wrong, why would they want _me_? I may be a highly skilled, but I have no training outside my primary duties.

There’s even more security outside engineering, and I can hear someone shouting. The voice is familiar, irritating. It sounds like… Tamlen? Someone is shouting at him angrily, and an icy shiver runs down my back. _Please, Creators, not Mithra; not right now_. I stall at the doors, opened in front of me, before I’m pushed inside.

“Well, if it isn’t daddy’s little bootlicker!” she snarls, eyes boring holes into my skull.

My body tenses, heart thundering violently against my ribs, like it wants to escape as much as I do.

“Cut the shit, Mithra,” the guard from before tells her. “We don’t have time for your paranoid crusade.”

I angle my head, looking up at him from the side; penetrating eyes glance in my direction for just a second. _Thank you_ , I think, hoping that maybe I won’t die tonight.

“Fine, but bringing her here is a mistake, Loranil, mark my words,” she huffs, arms crossing over her chest.

“Does this mean you don’t need me, then?” Tamlen asks, eager to save himself at my expense.

“Leave,” Mithra hisses, “you’re worthless anyway.”

He lets out a visible breath of relief and scampers quickly from the room, like the coward that he is. But then, am I not also a coward? Did I not similarly abandon Riss? Lyna? I’m not even his friend.

“Oh, and Tamlen,” she called after him, warning, “don’t breathe a word of this to _anyone_.”

I want to know just what exactly is happening, but I’m too terrified to open my mouth. This isn’t about Riss or the _book_ , or my secret non-plan I’m sort of working on. Whatever it is, it’s serious, and it isn’t about _me_ at all. Mithra is standing next to the suit I’ve been repairing, and I feel a pulling in my stomach that makes me feel like I’m gonna be sick. Sicker than I am already.

“I suppose it’s your turn then, Ellana,” Mithra sneers.

“My turn to what?” I ask, hesitating.

“We need you to get that suit working,” Loranil, the man who stood up for me before, explains.

“The suit, but why? In the middle of the night? I don’t…”

My eyes snap open, realization dawning. _Oh **shit**! Play it cool, Lan. You **can** do this. Breathe._

“Can you fix it or not?” she snaps at me.

“I should be able to; it’s pretty much done anyway. Just need to make a few adjustments to –“

“We don’t need a play by play, just get to work.”

I sigh. There’s a lot of people I’m not really fond of, but Mithra has earned a level of ire I didn’t know I was capable of. Engineering is cold, my feet and arms bare. I’m not wearing insulated coveralls. How does she expect me to work like this?

“Here,” Loranil says to me, taking off his uniform jacket.

_What is he? Oh! Wow, that’s… that’s actually really nice._

“Thank you,” I mutter, a little embarrassed as I slip it over myself.

 

\-----

 

I was anxious at first, this being a little more hostile than my normal working environment, though maybe not really all that much… but now I’ve just zoned out and my mind is completely focused on what I’m doing. This is my happy place, where I’m safe, and everything else is too far away to touch me. My toes are a bit numb from the cold, but I can’t feel it, not right now.

“How much longer do you think it will take?” Loranil asks, lines creasing his forehead.

“Well,” I explain, “it’s technically done, except for the battery –“

“So, is it finished or not?” she interrupts, apparently unable to let me finish a single sentence.

“Yes and no,” I clear my throat, nerves tensing. “The battery pack is experimental, and hasn’t been field tested.”

“We don’t have much choice, I’m afraid,” Loranil breathes, shaking his head. “If we don’t get to her soon, she’s going to die out there.”

_Out there?! Did he just say what I think he said, or am I losing my mind?_ My pulse, which had slowed to a comfortable rhythm while working, is suddenly racing at breakneck speed. I look at him, mouth dropping going slack and eyes opening wide.

“Dammit,” Mithra curses. “Fine. Suit her up.”

“Are you sure that’s a good idea?” he asks, eyeing me doubtfully.

“We don’t have much choice, do we? Who else is there?”

_Wait_ , what are they talking about? They’re acting like I’m not even here, and I kind of wish I wasn’t. This is all a bit more excitement than I can comfortably handle. To put it mildly.

He sighs, shaking his head. “No one. Just be careful.”

“I always am,” she tells him with a nod.

She grabs my arm and yanks me towards the exit, a little too hard.

“What the hell! I helped you, didn’t I? You can just tell me to leave.”

Mithra scoffs, glaring down at me, “you’re not going to bed, you’re going _outside._ ”

“Outside?” What does she mean?

“Outside the Walls,” she explains, voice way too calm for what she’s saying.

I laugh, unable to help myself. She has to be joking, though I’m not sure she’s capable of it. Leave the Walls? _Me?_

“We don’t have time for this, the lift will transport the suit to the airlock, and we need to hurry.”

She drags me down the hallway, in my sleep clothes and security jacket, bare feet aching. I have no idea where we’re going, blindly following her through the zone. There’s a code lock on the door, opened with a keycard she keeps in her left front pocket. I feel like I’ve entered a state of delusion, or I’m having one of those _dreams_ , like the book mentions. How could this really be happening?

We enter into some kind of hangar, the people inside bustling about in a panic. There’s a large set of doors that I can only guess is the airlock, two exosuits set in front of them. _So, this really **is** happening, _ I think to myself. _Wow_. It’s… it’s fucking _terrifying_.

A woman I don’t recognize runs towards us, breathing heavy. She looks worried.

“Is this her?”

“It is,” Mithra tells her.

“Let’s hope she knows what she’s doing,” she pauses, catching her breath. “Alright, come on, let’s get you suited up.”

“No no no, I-I can’t _do_ this! I’m just an engineer,” I plead with them.

The woman smiles at me, but I’m not feeling very reassured. How can they expect me to do this?

“A damn fine engineer, from what I understand, and that’s _exactly_ what we need right now. I get that you’re scared, but you’re gonna be fine, and you won’t be alone out there,” she tells me, gaze shifting briefly to Mithra.

_Oh good! I have to leave the Walls with the one person that, for absolutely no good reason, hates my guts. Well that’s just perfect. Great!_ I blink at her, fighting hard against the biting sarcasm rising up inside me.

“Here’s your chance to prove yourself Ellana, step out from papae’s shadow,” the security officer taunts.

My teeth tear at the skin inside my mouth, irritation clawing through my chest.

“ _Fine_ ,” I spit. “I’ll do my part, but only if _you_ aren’t coming with.”

Her eyes narrow, looking like they’re about to shoot lasers at me. I don’t care. If I’m going out _there_ , I want someone I don’t completely distrust.

“Alright, we’ll have Sarel go with you instead.”

“You can’t be serious, Lanaya,” she urges.

“We _need_ her, Mith, and besides, he’s more than capable.”

Lanaya turns, shouting directions to the other people in the room, and Mithra leans in toward me, much too close for comfort.

“That was a mistake,” she hisses, voice hushed. “Guess you’re dumber than I thought. Let’s hope you know how to keep your mouth shut when the time comes, or they’ll disappear you _too_.”

My head snaps up to look in her face, shocked by what she’s just told me. She shakes her head, lip curling into a scowl, and stalks away, leaving me with the bomb she’s just dropped in my lap. _They? Who are they,_ I want to shout, so sick of not knowing what’s going on. And her of all people, warning me, as though she cares about my safety!

A sudden fear spikes through my body, making me afraid in a way I never have been before. Why does everything around me make less and less sense as time goes on? I’m pretty sure I’ve just made a fantastically huge mistake, and there’s a very real chance that I’ll be killed for it. That would be just perfect, too. Used for whatever it is _they_ need me to do, and then poof, I vanish, like magic, my entire life simply erased. Like I never existed at all.

They shove my feet into heavy boots and I climb into the suit, several pairs of hands securing the fastenings that strap me in. I feel empty, hollow, like everything I am has been sucked out of me. I’m sorry, Riss, I’m so sorry. I wanted to do right by you; to make Lyna proud, but now I’ll probably never get the chance.

I wonder if the same sonic field that cuts off magic also traps our souls here, preventing them from moving on. Before, I’d never really thought much about souls, but I do now, sometimes. I think about a lot of things I never thought I would. That’s something, I guess, my breathing labored but even. At least I’ll get to experience a little bit of adventure before I die, even if I don’t want to. It’s more than Riss ever got, and she deserved a lot better than I do.

Will my parents regret my absence? Will anyone? I guess it doesn’t really matter either way, because when I’m gone, there’ll be nothing left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the ridiculous neglect of this fic. i got really caught up with Grave Robber, but i'm going back to me regular rotation now!
> 
> i'm about to hit 100 tumblr followers, so i'm going to have a giveaway there of a silly thing, so keep an eye out for that if you're interested [here](http://unicornforcewinds.tumblr.com/).
> 
> thanks for reading and sticking with me <3


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ellana ventures outside the walls and meets Solas???

My chest feels tight as I press my eyes closed, mechanical hands clenched into fists as the massive door slowly opens. _This is it_ , I think, _this is how I die._ Maybe I’m being a little melodramatic, but I’m probably right. As unsafe as it might be inside the Walls, nothing is more dangerous than the world outside of them. The only thing waiting for us out here is death, after all, even the book said as much.

The censor in my suit has been disabled, probably because they don’t want me to minimize the risk of my seeing anything I shouldn’t. Does that mean that there’s something _to_ see? Part of me wants to look; to find out, but it’s not worth the risk. If I just do what I’m told, maybe there _is_ a chance I’ll survive this. Besides, everything that didn’t find shelter within the Walls is dead now, right? So, there’s nothing to worry about anyway. At least, that’s what I hope.

It’s quite dark, that’s the first thing I notice, but above me, it’s… like nothing I’ve ever seen. I look upwards, holding my breath, arrested by the sight – thousands of shimmering lights above me, everywhere that my eyes can reach.

“We need to travel roughly two and a half klicks north by northwest.”

I twitch at the sound of Sarel’s voice playing through the helmet speaker, too close for comfort. It almost feels like I’m not alone inside my own head, and it very nearly hurts to pull myself away from the majesty before me, but there’s no time.

“Okay,” I whisper, trying to keep pace as he starts to walk.

The movement of the exosuit is foreign and awkward, with a small delay before it follows my body. The knees and hips are jerking slightly as I prompt my legs forward, but is it simply my poor piloting skills, or is it related to the damage I thought I had fixed? His movements are so much smoother than mine, steps appearing almost _natural_.

“You’re thinking too much,” he explains, and I try to school my reflexes.

If I react physically, then he’ll be able to see it, and it’s imperative that I don’t rouse any suspicion. Of course, how could I not? He doesn’t know me, and he has no reason to trust me. I can’t shake what Mithra said… is he one of the _them_? Can I trust her words? I don’t really have a choice, do I? Maybe she was just trying to scare me, but if she wasn’t? I can’t think about that right now or I’ll go crazy.

It’s not as heavy as you’d think it would be, well… it doesn’t feel heavy, I mean. No person could ever lift a suit on their own, but operating one, while being a bit clunky, isn’t a strain on the body. You don’t move it with your own muscles, after all, but with electrical impulses given off by the nervous system. I’ve performed a few tests before, verifying reaction speed of mostly fine motor functions, but this is completely different. To be honest, it’s kind of _amazing_.

 

\-----

 

The noises are strange and frightening, so many different sounds that I can’t pick apart, because I’m not familiar enough with them to know where they’re coming from. Sarel tells me it was nothing, and to concern myself only with the task at hand, but that can’t be true. If the world is as dead as we’ve been lead to believe, then why is it so loud?

“She’s there,” he calls, voice a little too loud in my ears. “Hurry!”

He’s running now, a pace I’m having trouble trying to match. Still, even in the dark I can see enough to know the situation is worse than I anticipated. Still, what if _she’s_ one of them? Do I really want to save her? I can’t be responsible for someone dying, even if they would kill me without thinking. Could I? Do I really have a choice? What if she helped disappear _Riss_? I can’t… my nose stings with the pain of the wetness behind my eyes, but I can’t give in to it. I have to be strong, stronger than I am.

I let out a heavy sigh as I race forward, unknown obstacles crunching and giving way under my mechanical feet. So close now to reaching her, and I see what looks like a glimmer of light, there and then gone, just at the edge of my vision. Am I losing my mind, or is there something there?

“Did you s-“ I begin, before he cuts me off.

“What is it?” he demands, with an edge in his voice I don’t like.

“N-nothing, I… sorry,” I stammer, trying to get a hold on my fear.

“We don’t have time to delay, focus on the task at hand!”

Sarel’s voice is rough and I can’t say I blame him, barking orders at me. I understand that his friend is in trouble, but that doesn’t make this easier for me. I just want to close my eyes and will all of this to disappear, but it won’t, and I can’t. The most terrifying part of it is that I’m powerless, acting not of my own volition, each movement beyond of my control. I feel like I’m walking right into a trap.

It would be much easier to repair the damage if I wasn’t in an exosuit, but that’s obviously impossible and pointless to think of. There is a large puncture in the relay system, though I can’t imagine what could’ve made it. Her life support close to failing, and I wonder frantically, but in earnest, if I’ll be able to get it fixed in time. If it wouldn’t risk further damage, the two of us carrying her back inside would probably be the most sensible option. That, I keep to myself, however.

It seems hopeless, the extent of it greater than I first suspected. Restoring full functionality to the suit won’t be possible without tearing out and replacing the circuitry. Of course, I can’t tell them that, even if it is true. _Think Lan, think! You’re supposed to be so smart, remember? Come on, there has to be something…_

I chew my lip anxiously, working to untangle the thoughts bouncing around my brain. _I couldn’t possibly… or **could** I? It’s never been done, but maybe…_

“Why aren’t you working?” I can hear the desperation edging into Sarel’s voice.

“I… I have an idea, but you might not like it.”

“Speak quickly.”

“Well,” I explain, trying to sound convincing, “the suit can’t be fixed, at least not here, like this-“

“There had better be a but coming,” he warned.

I let out a deep breath as quietly as I can and shake myself out. Of course, he can see the movements, but I don’t care about that right now.

“I can’t _fix_ it, but I might be able to rig up a bypass that restores enough function for her to make it back to the hangar. It’s not exactly safe, or in line with regulations, but honestly, I think it’s the only viable option.”

This, this is what I do. This is what I can do. Even if my every impulse is to freak out, I will focus on the work and everything else will fade away like it always does. I need it to. It has to.

“Shit,” he curses, head bobbing once, quickly. “Do it.”

“Okay, back up.”

My giant fingers are clumsy as I carefully rip out the rest of the motor controls. Some of the connections are just plain dead, but if I can reroute the extra power, and manage to somehow, miraculously splice the wires together just right… _There!_ Gotcha.

“Left leg at 86% function,” I inform him, a cautious excitement inching into my tone.

“Hurry!” he yells, but the sound barely registers.

I’m not here right now, I’m in my own little world. There is no _them_ , no one gets disappeared, and my life is not in danger. There is just me and my work, and I’m so close to finishing.

“Shit!” The word leaves my mouth without thinking.

“What’s wrong?!”

“No no, it’s fine. At least, I think it is. Just a bad wire.” For a split second, I close my eyes, returning to my center.

The right leg is harder, most of the connections basically fried. If I can just reroute something less damaged, like the head, or the left arm… and _there!_

“Right leg, 62% function. It’s not perfect, but it should hold, for now at least.” I hope, rather than believe it myself.

Together, we work to lift her suit upright, watching to see if she can maintain equilibrium. The first steps are even wonkier than mine, but she’s moving again. The question remains though, if it will hold until we reach the airlock. Only one way to find out.

 

\-----

 

Little bits of white fall from above me, cold and wet as they land on my skin. It’s very bright here, but not so much that it hurts my eyes. I stick out my tongue, where a tiny white crystal melts instantly upon contact. The taste is like… water.

“It is called snow,” a voice informs.

Startled, I jump, turning to face it. I don’t recognize the owner, he’s quite tall and very oddly dressed.

“What?” I ask, “Who? But… how… where am I?” None of what’s happening makes a lick a sense.

He lets out a brief, perfunctory chuckle before responding. “Snow. Frozen droplets of rain. A form of precipitation.”

That only has me more confused, my brow knitting together.

“What you see, the world around you, it is the Fade. You are dreaming.”

I choke out a disbelieving laugh, rolling my eyes reflexively.

“That’s not possible, what you’re saying. It’s just a story in a book.”

“And yet, here you are,” he muses, walking casually forward, his arms behind his back.

“Am I dead?” It seems like a fair question.

“Not for the time being, no.”

He’s looking at me with a sort of knowing curiosity and I find it extremely patronizing. The last thing I need is some random, cryptic guy filling my head with nonsense when I need to find out what the hell is going on. If my recent experience tells me anything, it’s that I can’t trust anyone, and my gut tells me he is _not_ as unassuming as he looks.

“How did I get here, and more importantly, how do I leave?” My voice is stronger now, my resolve building. I almost don’t recognize myself.

“Do you not like it? Would another backdrop be more to your liking perhaps?”

He casually waves a hand and the scene is gone, replaced by lush greenery all around. It’s soft beneath my bare feet, toes curling in, basking in the sensation. I want to touch it, to explore my surroundings, but caution warns me against it.

“I don’t know what this is, or how you did that, but… _oh shit_. You’re one of _them,_ aren’t you?! Are you going to kill me now? Is this some kind of sick game? Is this where you brought Riss before you killed her?!”

My eyes are hard, fingernails digging into my skin as my fists clench tightly. There is nothing now but rage, powerful enough to wipe away any fear or reservation left within me. I don’t want to die, but I don’t that anyone ever does. They can do what they want, but I will _not_ play along.

He waves his hand again and the verdant flora is gone. The ground is rough, black stone, everything else a sickly green substance of some kind that appears almost… alive. There’s a table and chairs in front of me, and he beckons me to sit.

“My name is Solas, if there are to be introductions. I am not responsible for the death of your friend, and this is not a game. I sought only to make you more comfortable, but I can see that perhaps this more straight forward approach is most appropriate for the situation. Our time here is not infinite.”

He doesn’t sit, no, he sort of gracefully lowers himself to a seated position. Cautiously, and without artifice, I plop down in the chair before me, which is surprisingly comfortable.

 “So, _Solas_ , where is here?” My attitude might be nearing petulant. I don’t care.

“This is the Fade, the world of Dreams. I would expect a mage to know as much already.”

“Maybe _mages_ do, but _I_ don’t. Not outside of what I’ve read, at least,” puzzle pieces clicking into place, a realization, too fuzzy and distant to make sense of, dawning in some part of my mind.

“Fascinating,” he observes, examining my face closely. “I wonder if,” he pauses, seeming to change his mind, “but I have not asked your name.”

“I’m Lan… Ellana,” I admit, bristling.

“Unfortunate that we meet under such circumstances, but, as I said, time is limited, for now. All of this, it _is_ real, regardless of what they will say. In a moment, you will awaken, and it is imperative that you claim to remember nothing. If they doubt you, even for a moment, then you too shall _disappear_. See to it that you do not.”


End file.
